Never mind the boss-tards

How do you emotionally recover from a truly toxic manager?

WORST boss I ever had. Newspaper editor. One day when someone made a mistake in the paper, he gleefully took 20 minutes out of his day to make them a dunce’s cap, then made them wear it and ordered the photographer to take the guy’s picture – which he then put in the paper the next day.

Twenty-five years on, that incident still makes my blood boil, and I wasn’t even the fall guy. I did, though, suffer my own share of humiliations at the hands of this idiot – as did the stream of young reporters he made cry and the senior staff his temper turned into quaking jellies fearful of doing their jobs. The toxic atmosphere he created made even our holidays hell – I wasn’t the only one who spent the first half of my break recovering and the second half dreading going back.

And was the end product – the newspaper - any better for this despot and his tantrums? No, it was demonstrably worse. Because he shouted at everyone, all the staff below him shouted at each other. As soon as I realised I was doing that too, I quit.

It’s a sad but inevitable fact that most of us will encounter bad bosses during our career. Let’s face it, managers who are excellent at their own job, completely understand their team’s pressures and are genuinely supportive, empathetic, friendly and approachable with it – finding all these qualities in one boss-shaped package is virtually impossible. In my 40-year career I think I’ve found it once. That’s pathetic, isn’t it? (Perhaps I’ve just worked for the wrong companies. Or in the wrong industry.)

But despite so many of our managers being so crap, most of them have redeeming features that make them tolerable: some, for instance, are frustratingly incompetent but cheerfully lovable with it; others are crotchety sociopaths but we respect their genius. The problem is the few who are genuinely, out and out toxic – the simultaneously incompetent. insecure, blame-laying, bullying, defensive, narcissistic humiliators. The ones whose unrelenting putdowns don’t merely ransack productivity and lay waste to confidence, they destroy lives. I mean the bastards. The bosstards.

Research repeatedly shows bad bosses are a common problem in the workplace. Various studies show three-quarters of us rate liaison with our manager as the worst part of our day; more than half would prefer a new boss to a pay rise; and a third would be relieved to hear our boss is leaving.

Like many people, I’ve had my fair share of rancour with managers over my career (some, of course, proved bigger rancours than others). Fortunately, truly monstrous bosses are rare – apart from the tyrant mentioned in the intro I’ve suffered only one other ‘bosstard’, and I was lucky enough on both occasions to get the hell out. But even quitting sometimes isn’t enough. Sometimes, in the worst cases, their poisonous personalities creep under your skin and leave scars – which can sometimes last decades.

So how do you get over that? What happens if, even though you never need to see that person ever again, their negative effect continues to eat away at your soul? What if your confidence is shot to pieces? What if you find yourself so full of torment and hatred that long after you’ve left, memories of their betrayals still keep you awake at night? How do you move on emotionally from a truly toxic boss?

It took me a long, long time to recover from my worst manager, and to realise that I could take back control. But when I did, it gave me so much strength that I was able to cope decades later when that second one came along. For anyone in the same position I offer the following tips:

Give yourself time to recover

The first thing to do is give yourself space. Book a holiday, whether that’s time away or just a few days exclusively doing the things you truly love – being with family, playing golf, painting, doing macramé, whatever – to let your mind accept and enjoy that you never have to go back to that toxic workplace ever again. If you can, do something that releases endorphins, such as running or other exercise. Do things you know you’re good at. This will help you to shed some of the negative emotions and clear your mind, heart and soul for the future.

Rediscover your worth

If, like me, you had a boss who regularly made you feel your contribution was worthless (we used to lay bets on which of us he’d blame for his next mistake), remind yourself what you’re good at. Even getting out of that toxic environment is an achievement, so be proud of that.

Write down a list of your strengths, both personal and professional, and think about the challenges they’ve helped you overcome. List the projects you completed despite the negative attentions of your idiot manager. Then use them to update your CV – even if you already have another job, seeing your achievements on paper is a wonderful confidence boost.

Learn lessons

The most negative experiences can be learned from – even when you weren’t to blame for any of it. Most obviously, of course, you can learn from your old boss how not to manage people. But there are other lessons, too.

When the monster at the top of this story bawled me out, I was young and frightened and could only stammer contrite apologies until the dressing down was over. But it wasn’t until years later I realised the experience had changed me – once I’d escaped into daylight and put it all into perspective, not only did I come to understand he was in the wrong (morally and, on many occasions, legally) but I resolved that no boss was ever going to speak like that to me again. After that, if someone demanded something unreasonable, or tried to humiliate me, I stood my ground – politely– and refused to be cowed by them. I couldn’t always change their behaviour, but I learned to change my response to it. That protected my self-esteem and my mental health.

Recognise the triggers

You know your boss made you feel upset, or worthless, or want to key their car (although I wouldn’t advise this) but try to understand in detail what the pressure points were. What specifically did they do that made you feel at your lowest? When they interrupted you in meetings? When they undermined you in front of colleagues? When they took all the credit for your work? When they shouted at you publicly? If you understand what the real, worst trigger points are, you can see them coming in other bosses and be prepared for them. If you see hints of it and your next boss is reasonable, you can find ways to address the problem with them – not in a way that criticises them but offers helpful advice on how to get the best out of you, ie, “boss, I feel I do my best work or am most productive in an environment where…..”

Recall the good times

Not with the monster, of course, but with other bosses you’ve had. When you’ve had good relationships, identify what made those work so well and if you can apply any of that to your relationship with your next boss.

Finally… it’s not me, it’s you

Doing all the above helped me to recover and move on. Honestly? I’m still not quite there myself. Ideally you’d forgive and forget, but I’m afraid that takes a purer soul than mine. The resentment is still there, but all the above put my monster bosses’ actions into perspective and those dark feelings are now a tiny fraction of what they once were.

More than anything else, understand this: the behaviour of toxic bosses comes from who they are, not who you are. Their actions are almost certainly masking some insecurity or even previous trauma. That doesn’t excuse but it does help you come to terms with the trauma they’ve foisted on you. It did with me, and if you have suffered a monster, I hope it helps you too.

Good luck.